*Where does the General keep his armies?* `In his sleevies.` *How does a squid go into battle?* `Well-armed.` *What's the best thing about Switzerland?* `I don't know, but their flag is a` `huge plus.` *Where do you find a cow with no legs?* ` Right where you left it. ` *Why aren't koalas actual bears?* ` They don't meet the koalafications. ` `A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, "I want a grilled …. cheese."` `The waiter says, "What's with the pause?" "Whaddya mean?" the bear replies. "I'm a bear!" ` *What's E.T. short for?* `Because he's only got little legs.` *What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?* `Phillipe Phillope.` `Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That` `way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their` `shoes.` `Two men meet on opposite sides of a river.  One shouts to the other, "I` `need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies, "You're` `on the other side!"` *What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?* `One is really heavy,` `and the other is a little lighter.` *What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?* `Same middle name.` *What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened?* `Close the door, I'm dressing.` `"I stand corrected!" Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.` `I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now.` *What did the left eye say to the right eye?* `Between you and me, something smells.` *Why is England the wettest country?* `Because the queen has reigned there for years.` `It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.` *What do you call it when Batman skips church?* `Christian Bale.` `A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do` `you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it` `is!"` *What do you call bears with no ears?* `B–` *What's a foot long and slippery?* `A slipper.` `Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent` `last year.` `And God said to John, "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."` `But John came fifth and won a toaster.` `I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not` `screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.` *What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?* `A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack*.` `They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not` `laughing now!` `Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever` `worry about that mad cow disease?" The other cow says, "Why would I care?` `I'm a helicopter!"` `I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me` `to stop going to those places.` *What did the swordfish say to the marlin?* `You're looking sharp.` *How do you make holy water?* `You boil the hell out of it.` *Will glass coffins be a success?* `Remains to be seen.` `I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.` `Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite` `kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."` *What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?* `One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.` *Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?* `He's all right now.` *What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?* `A maybe.` *Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?* `There's no menu—you get what you deserve.` *What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?* `SUPPLIES!` *Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?* `I don't know and don't really care.` *What do you call the wife of a hippie?* `A Mississippi.` ------ I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!" The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't" What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well. I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming. Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope. I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Did you hear about the italian chef that died? He pasta way. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired! Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet. Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it. When a deaf person sees someone yawn do they think it’s a scream? As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens. And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster. Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? Because he was a little shellfish. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells. Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park? They woke him up. I think i would like a job cleaning mirrors, it's just something I could really see myself doing. I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go faster, if anything it made him more sluggish. Just remember - you never really completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example. --------------------------------------------- Q: What goes up and down but does not move? A: Stairs Q: What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to? A: Lonely Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel. Q: Why do bicycles fall over? A: Because they are two-tired! Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? A: Someday my prints will come! Q: Why was the broom late? A: It over swept! Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot! Q: Why do eskimos do their laundry in Tide? A: Because it's too cold out-tide!